Ok! so it's been a Long time since I posted anything anywhere. I pretty much lost a lot of viewers. Both on my youtube channel and my Blog. And I know I have to be consistent to grow an audience online but I FAILED! So, somehow this feeling started to take the better of me. Luckily, good thing is I coped up with it, and some avid friends (I can never call you just a reader/viewer/fan anymore.) helped me Believe Back In ME!
Warning! I'm going to explain my personal struggles again. So if you are somebody who is into my poems or other articles, you are always free to check them out leaving this. Done! I won't be warning you again. Hmm...how to put it. I am not lying but I'm actually struggling with words right now. (C'mon I'm just an amateur Blogger. Not some NY Times Best Seller, which btw is my #lifegoals )
You know through out life we go through endless amount of struggles. Broken toys, Fight with friends, Performing infront of the Crowd, EXAMS! RESULTS! BREAK-UPS! (Hopelessly Single still Capslocked.) But soon we recover from it. Little did we Forget that everybody takes a different time in it. It's easier to talk and get help about the disease you can physically see or explain. But the same condition becomes a Taboo to talk about if you can just feel it but can't explain it.
Why am I writing about something like this? Because I'm no more ashamed to say that I'm BIPOLAR. Hmm...wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. And these Tumblr post that I somehow stumbled upon two years back gave me the strength to speak out about my problems.
The point of time I went across these pictures wasn't really a very happy time of my life. I genuinely have thoughts about ending my life. Which definitely is BAD, thank god I didn't do it. For the last two years at that point I have been extremely struggling with pretty much everything in my life. My career was in front of me, from which I have lost every interest to pursue. I was still making myself crawl towards it. Bottling up things that somehow didn't made sense anymore. Because all I thought to do was not to let down my studious impression over everybody. As a result, the final report wasn't even satisfactory and that made me drown. As I was stupid enough to think that I can magically swim like a mermaid without even trying.
By drowning I meant I got Depressed. Since dots refused to connect, things stopped to fall into place. There were many times when I don't know till how long I used to cry myself to sleep and wake up to nothing. Just a faint sense of air entering and leaving my body keeping me alive. So, due to some other medical conditions that time I booked an appointment for the treatment. Sadly I was medicated for as usual my physical illness and was shrugged away over my confession about my Mental Health.
Thankfully, I never had the courage to attempt something to hurt my body and life. They were all just thoughts, and I needed a solution to get rid of them. That's when I build up the courage to do something rather then just sit and think about terrible stuffs. That's when this happened. In a page full of sad, depressing pictures and gifs I found this SEMICOLoN PROJECT. And it won't be wrong to say that it pretty much changed my life. I didn't knew a lot of things about Mental Illness, I wasn't even aware that there were types. I always considered them to be something like a Brain-Dis formality.
Thus, I did my research. Took help from few Mental Illness topic based website. Realized that I'm Bipolar instead of just Depressed. Tried to follow the recovery method. Often Failed Miserably. But if I'm gonna be the author of my life. I do have to stop caring what others might consider me as. It is really hard to accept yourself when you're extremely elated and doing things you'll probably regret. And soon, crying and sobbing over those numerous things that people don't understand and won't even bother to listen.
There have been humongous moments that people have judged me for being fat, lazy, worthless, show-off, ugly, irritating and god knows what not. I've heard so much of crap from all those people that I always thought to be my motivators i.e. teachers, friends and yes even Family. My fault is somehow I always take this negativity way too seriously. I guess that's why pretty much for the whole damn year people have been considering me an Extremely Negative person. Though I've learned now that everything viewed from a Human Eye is judged. It's just how you persevere it that matters. I'm a person who get extremely loud or extremely silent in a matter of seconds sometimes. But that's not a thing to laugh about, nor is my disease an adjective to describe me. It's a part of me that'll probably be always with me. And I accept it as openly as my other Flaws.
Sorry if it wasn't something you wanted to read. But I always wanted to speak about the things that actually bought me here. And also because my amazing friends have been asking for the reason of my absence. Anyway, if you struggle from any of such mental illness feel free to check out Semicolon Project, 7CupsOfTea. If you don't know what Bipolar Disorder is know more here. If you wish to ask me something more about my struggle you can either email me at email@example.com or on Tumblr. Support the #SemicolonProject by drawing a semicolon on your skin and posting that picture to your social media describing either your struggle or support towards Mental Health. That's it for now I'll be back soon with my usual stuff till then Stay Healthy! Stay Happy!